Thoughts on Marriage

I've had many thought on marriage over the past 4.5 months....

Without getting inappropriately personal, I will attempt to share some:

In marriage, you gain your very own Human. Almost like having a pet, you start to learn all the requirements and specifications of this Human, and the journey is learning how to take the best care of your Human, while enjoying all the benefits they have to offer and working with the requirements of their well-being. You begin to witness the most delightful, most secret, most serious, and the most interesting things that they do. It is really thrilling.


Marriage is sort of like the dance women do when we try to put on really tight jeans. First, you wiggle out to one side, hop up, then you wiggle over to the over... Etc. You really have to work with the jeans in order to eventually get the perfect fit...

2 month mark

FYI, my new email address is courtneywclark@gmail.com.  If anyone knows how to switch this blog over to that account, let me know...

And yes, today marks two months of marital bliss!!!!!

Something good happened yesterday.  I practiced my violin.  I had done that a few times lately, after a 1.5 month long hiatus over the wedding and honeymoon time.  You see, for me that is a long time of not playing.  And it was needed.  I started playing at age 9.  I am incredibly fortunate that my parents supported me taking violin lessons from 3rd grade, all the way through high school!!  I didn't realize then what a big deal that is.  I took them every week- Thursday nights- for all those years from a wonderful and passionate Romanian woman named Nora Smilovicci.  

All three of us Wilson girls started out in the Suzuki method, and gradually the other 2 lost interest (and eventually picked up other instruments and are both very gifted musicians!).  I always enjoyed the process of digging into a challenging piece, chewing on it, and eventually performing it at a level my teacher and I were both satisfied with.  It came naturally to me- not on a virtuosic level, but a level that gave the right amount of satisfaction.  

In 5th grade when public schools first offered band and orchestra, I was already ahead of all the others since I had already been playing for two years.  This trend continued in middle school...and in high school.  It was sort of uncomfortable, but OK that my orchestra teachers appreciated and favored me.  It was an honor to always be first chair, although I felt ackward with the attention it put on me.  I didn't like when the teachers would complain about the other kids to me.  In high school, I participated in N.C. Honors Orchestra, and made it to All-State orchestra- a collection of the most nerdy kids from North Carolina. 

When it came time to look at colleges, I decided I would like to teach orchestra one day.  I had had some weird (and also bad) experiences with public school music teachers, and thought I could save the world of music, or at least do my part by being cooler than the others.  I auditioned with this incredible piece at ASU and UNC Chapel Hill.  It was Concerto No. 9 in A Minor by Charles de Beriot, the 1st movement, and the coolest/hardest piece I had ever played.  I had been deferred from Chapel Hill before the audition, and afterward I never heard from them- I got a weird vibe from the music department anyway.  At ASU however, the faculty were much friendlier and I got a scholarship for violin. 

As soon as I moved into my dorm, I jumped into the world of the music school.  Music Education majors were required to practice 3 hours a day, 6 days a week.  I had weekly lessons with an amazing teacher.  It was refreshing to get a new perspective on violin.  The orchestra was fun to play in.  I hated that my new teacher required me to do tons of scale work and technique exercises- which are not nearly as fun as working on a new piece but are really so important.  My technique improved a lot and it was fun to have the skills to play pieces that I once thought were impossible.  I also tried teaching lessons for awhile, and taught a 9 year old boy how to play violin. 

Well, this life continued for 2 years.  I found that 3 hours of day of practice (which I never really did 6 days a week...), plus a full load of classes, conflicts with my social desires and needs!  Plus, with violin, you can never have long fingernails, and you develop a funny red mark on your neck from where the violin rests!  Who wants that on their wedding day?? My back also hurt from orchestra rehearsals.  Not to mention, the social environment of the music building did not fit my style at all.  In fact, I felt stifled and depressed there.  

In the 1st week of my junior year, I made a radical and sudden decision to change majors. I loved practicing, but really wanted to hang out with what I viewed as 'normal' people.  I also just wanted to try out something different than what I had been since I was 9.  I felt like I needed to burst out of a box I had put myself in.  And I was suddenly scared of teaching.  So I switched to Communication, and from that point felt like I really came alive!  I stayed in the Orchestra another semester just in case I wanted to switch back, but the freedom that came from getting out of that dark, isolated, old orange-walled music building was very liberating!  

Something wonderful that came from making this switch was that I began to improvise on the violin!  I had done that a little before, but without the burden and pressure of practicing assigned music every week, I was now free to just play whatever I felt like!  I started playing for worship times by myself or with others, and loved creating complimentary melodies and harmonies to fit into the music that other people were making.  It felt really good to NOT practice very much.  

I grew my nails.  I lost the red mark.  

However, I also lost my chops over time and saw my technical skills slowly decreasing.  But after making this switch, I couldn't go back!  I was now a free woman!!  It felt so good using that free time to see friends and do other stuff musically.  I played non-classical music for a change, and started playing more with friends in little shows and coffee shops.  These were the Ghengis, Jimmy Laura & Courtney, and Dabney times. 

In Wilmington I lived alone in the ghetto for a period of time.  I would walk around my house playing violin with the heavenly host and great cloud of witnesses.  It was warfare.  But my playing was still sparse.

When Stuart gave me an engagement ring, and finally on my wedding day, I had long(ish) beautiful nails and no red mark!!

From the fall of 2004 when I quit weekly violin lessons after 11 years, to fall of 2008 as a newly married woman of 2 months, I have changed and grown more than I can say.  Looking back on my high school self, I feel so different; I feel so free.   

Last week, I picked up the old instrument.  I tried some scales... things weren't too bad.  Yesterday, with no one home and all the doors and windows shut, after warming up I decided to jump into a meaty, technically very challenging piece- Praeludium and Allegro by Fritz Kreisler.  And I fell in love again with the raw, organic feeling of working through some nasty stuff to produce a lovely and gratifying sound.

I had to be removed from it.  I had to be purged.  Some mindsets I had from age 9 needed to not be associated with music anymore.  I needed to grow up.  

I think the Holy Spirit has been working on me- I've been through some really tough personal times where I had to choose either my self or the Lord.  He is better really.  Even though I think I'm smart and capable and can make decisions on my own...He is better.  I'm so thankful He pressed me up against my 'self'  and made me choose to let go.  And now I am free. 

Yesterday, I cut my nails again.

oh... you again? wonderful!

Oh, hello.

I've been a little distracted the past two months.  There have been certain things in my life I have been paying attention to and not to this blog. 

Welcome back!

2124 Chesterfield Ave.

After visiting this cute little duplex on Monday, and sending in our application Tuesday, the landlord called Stuart on Wednesday...his car was all packed but he wasn't sure where he was going. The landlord said we could move in that day! That evening we started moving in. Today we rented a uhaul truck, moved more stuff in and cleaned a lot. Tonight he is sleeping there!! These 2 days have been sooo wonderful and dreamlike. I mean- we have actually bickered a lot, but overall we have been insanely giddy and excited. Getting ready to be married to someone and doing lots of grown-up type things together provides opportunities to really see each others BAD sides!! And it's hilarious. And so fun.

We have a home!!!!! And I really can't wait to have our friends from Boone come hang out. Alicia was our first visitor. We had cups for drinks, but no chairs to sit in. haha.

14 days

Oh my gosh, I'm so ready to stop thinking about wedding planning...I was telling my mom how I probably think about all these detail things much more than I actually need to.  She said that probably every wedding-planning bride does.  It was sort of an epiphany for me when I realized it though.

Yes, today I finalized my plans with three of my biggest best friends/worst enemies:  the caterer, the florist, and the rental company.  Ahhhh!  (That's a victorious sigh of relief)  It is taking my mind some time to adjust to not thinking about them anymore after thinking so very many thoughts about them for sooo looong...

Tomorrow is my last real Saturday in Boone!!  That is sad-mainly because of the good friends that go along with Boone.  And because of those big beautiful mountains that have been faithfully watching over me the past few years.  Gosh, they sure have seen a lot.  Heck of a lot. 

17 days

Ever since getting engaged, I wondered what it would feel like a month before the wedding, or 2 weeks before the wedding, or a week before.  It still seemed like it would feel different being that close, but I mean... it's not that different. 

It feels like Stuart and I are much closer of friends.

It feels like the wedding is all I can think about now...

But I still feel like the same me in many ways.  I have grown and learned a lot since this time last year, but I'm still... me.  So, there's the answer to some of my questions from the past.  If anyone else has ever wondered that, now you know!  You don't turn into a princess or anything.  My body still isn't perfect(can you believe it?!), and I still get in bad moods.  My hair feels kind of dried out, I have a few zits, still get dark circles under my eyes.  Haha!  I guess that's a good thing!  If Stuart is still going to marry me when I have not yet reached a state of fairy-tale perfection then he must really like me.  And it is nice to be liked despite your imperfections.  It's fun to see that I love him more as I get to see his imperfections revealed.  To love an imperfect person and to be loved in your imperfections- that is perfectly lovely!

A secret...

Everyone in my family  is older than they look.

Some wouldn't want me to disclose this little fact.  

I was shopping for earrings to wear with my wedding dress, and the ladies in the store declared that I look too young to get married.  I told them I was 24.  They could have stopped there and been OK, but to my amusement, they continued in saying that I looked like I was 16 and Stephanie looked 12!  What?!?!

And my mom is just smiling all along, loving it. 

son or slave

Every day, I'm glad I am where I am now, and not where I was before.

My life has been great, but moving forward constantly is the best way to be!  One thing I've been faced with in preparation for marriage is the way I have held on to stuff, party because I thought it would be my only chance to have some things.  I have held on to 'stuff' for waaay too long.  Doing that a lot can cause a general sense of stagnancy in one's life.  I have known a few people who have at one time given every thing they owned away.  I hear it is one of the most freeing, fun things you can ever do!  If you believe in God, then He really just takes care of you.  Even if you don't believe in Him, He usually takes care of you anyway.  I mean, is He real or not?  I know I talk about this a lot, but I think I am starting to really believe in Him.  

It is a great feeling to jump off a cliff, once you get over the fear of doing it.  Flying free through the air...ahhhhhh!  (We actually get to do that a lot in Boone!)

Stuart has been asking God to provide money he has needed.  Then when God provides it, he has been giving it away!  Then he mysteriously gets more.  Then he gives that away, and mysteriously gets more again.  I'm serious!  We are testing what this God that we read about has said, and it actually works!! It is really neat to see this.  But it has required some serious cliff jumping... (but I've figured: the worst that could happen is we would be living under a bridge somewhere surviving on tuna and apples...but how bad would that really be? We won't actually die from hunger or homelessness.  Anyway, we've got some family and friends that love us and would let us sleep on their porch or something if things really got bad).

 I want to detach myself from the fears/cares/worries of the world and live above it all.  We don't have to be imprisoned by fear/care/worry.  This God is real.  Heaven is real, and it loves to come to earth.  We are supposed to be bringing heaven to earth.  We don't have to be slaves to the world, and I will not be a slave, how 'bout you? 

I will!

Third and final marriage counseling session with Brad completed tonight;  some thoughts on the ceremony and vows; 100 invitations sent out;  hundreds of beautiful bridal portraits posted on a secret website... under 60 days to go... Stuart's biceps steadily increasing in size as both our teeths increase in whiteness.  

Not sure if I've mentioned how sick I am of cleaning houses every day, but I'm making the most of it that I can!  I have gotten so fast lately at my job!   I am really looking forward to a new job where I can use more brain and less brawn.  

I wish everybody could sit down and talk with Brad about marriage.  It is extremely hopeful!!  Stuart faithfully typed up notes during each session that will most definitely be revisited often.  Things are much more hopeful than we are taught by the world.

I HAVE THE DAY OFF TOMORROW!!

shut me up and let me out!

Sometimes love means keeping your mouth shut.  I have been encountering those type of situations a lot lately!  It is hard to do!  But really, my opinion is not always the thing someone needs to hear.  I hate to admit it, but it's true!  There are actually many other reasons to keep the mouth shut in order to love, in numerous situations.  It's very interesting.  God has been teaching me that I need to talk more sometimes, but then completely zip it other times.   

God did a great job creating summertime in Boone.  I have done some combination of hiking/swimming/bouldering/waterfalling on 4 out of the last 7 days!!  I have been reminded how glorious a grill, picnic table and friends can be when all combined in perfect weather.  Forgot how good a short dress feels.  Also reminded of the incredible effects lightning bugs create, and the joyful songs birds sing right outside my window around 7 am.  I LOVE SUMMER!!

One year later

I can't believe we made it a year!!  When we decided to set our wedding date for 14 months after getting engaged, I thought it would be completely miserable to wait so long.  But now, one year from Stuart's proposal, things have just gotten steadily better and better.  I think the timing is actually perfect- for the engagement, and for the marriage, as far as I know- I mean, I'm no expert and I can't really see the future very clearly...

But somehow, seeing how quickly a year went by just seems to be significant.  Things always do happen when they need to... finding a house, a spouse, a job.  Things always work out somehow.  

Oh, and another thing- I felt some slightly sad feelings after we got engaged because getting engaged is something a girl waits for her whole life!!  It seems like this ultimate thing to achieve, and after it happened I had a few thoughts of disappointment, like some of the good things in life were over and things would only get boring from there. But it's not true!!  Really, I have come soo far personally in the past year, and Stuart and I have gone through a lot of crap since then and I wouldn't go back in time if I could!  So that's a relief, huh?!

Speaking of relief- I believe my arms are covered with poison ivy.  I went hiking/swimming Thursday, Friday and Saturday.  I believe this blessed rash was contracted from my girls only hike on Saturday.  We saw a tiny snake and (unrelatedly) completely forgot to look for the poisonous plant.  We also got caught in an ear-splitting thunderstorm and I hiked in a bikini for awhile after swimming, so who knows where else I might start itching!!  

'pouff'

I went veil shopping today.  Veils are hilarious.  They are just a piece of pouff on your head, and you can easily pay $250 for one.  

I make a very funny bride, I think!  I have no idea what I want for any of these millions of things that I was supposed to have been thinking about my whole life.  I'm still not exactly sure what my 'colors' will be, and I've been planning this wedding for a year.  I'm getting my bridal portraits done tomorrow, and I still don't know how I will wear my hair or makeup!  I have such a hard time with all these decisions- it's quite humorous.  Between me, Stuart, and Mom, we spent about 2 hours today scouring over all the fonts we could find on our computers to pick one for invitations.  

But I am loving it.  

I can trust

God healed me of some deep trust issues today!  Also, I ate at Hokkaido and watched Swiss Family Robinson.  A very good day!

answers?

This is sort of to follow up my previous, desperate posting.  Things have been happening, a little.  Stuart and I realized we have more contacts in Charlotte than we realized.  We spent Saturday in Greensboro and being away from the 'clouds' of Boone, we (especially Stuart) got some good perspective and clarity on practical steps we need to take towards success in the money/jobs area.  Don't ask questions- it stresses me out.   Trust that we are working on this constantly, and we really trust God will bring jobs and money in it's right timing.  

Another thing I was pleading God for was direction in getting our wedding planned!  Progress is happening there too, in it's perfect timing.  Thursday, we met the lady we will hire to bake a cake for 250 people.  She is awesome, and her cakes are amazing.  She lives in a town of 45 people.  We are the only wedding she has scheduled for this summer so far, but she loves doing wedding cakes, so I think she will put a lot of heart into ours!  Wedding guests, be ready to enjoy!

On Friday, I went to Did Someone Say Party? (great store name huh?) and tried on my wedding dress, which came in about a month ago but I hadn't gone to try it on because well... I had been feeling fat.  Sorry, I hate when girls say that but it's just what happened!  OH!  But the dress- I tried it on, and it is still perfect!!  It's very interesting that when I see this dress or think of it, I'm not that interested in it.  When I put it on however, I just know that it's perfect.  I become insta-beautiful!  I take it off and become normal ol' Court.  Put it on again: VIOLA!  It's like a  magic trick.  Or like God. 

I also bought silver, glittery wedges for $25 yesterday.  Although I like the look of heels better, I am afraid wedges are really my only choice for smooth, graceful walking down the isle of a garden wedding.  You don't really see them anyway.  I just need anything to give me a little bit more of a reasonable height in order to be able to kiss my groom!!

Also, Nicole and I set a date for bridal portraits (which she is doing as a gift!!)- June 1st. 

Oh, I also received 2 more calls from people interested in house cleaning!  

Also, we went all weekend without having to spend any money.

Tomorrow I'm meeting with my dear friend Justina, who is helping us design wedding invitations!  This girl breathes art.  Plus she is a total sweetheart.  

Stuart and I both played/sang at the Morning Star in Winston Salem this morning, and enjoyed the wonderful people and the presence there.  It is real discouraging playing there because as a musician, everything you hear sounds really bad from the stage.  Today, and the last time we played there, I left thinking "Ok, I am never singing or playing again".  Then I realize later that those thoughts are actually encouraging since it's the devil trying to steal your gifts and joy, which is even more reason to keep using them. 

Nothing to lose

I'm trying this new thing with God. You could really call it 'begging'.

I can't wait to see how it goes...

I just remember someone talking in January about how we should contend with God for things He's promised us this year. One thing he promised us is that he "knows the plans he has for us; plans to prosper us and not harm us; plans for a hope and a future".

God- make your plans happen PLEEEEEEEEEASE!!

Please bring me a hope and a future. If you already know it, make it happen! I believe in you!!

Today Stuart is looking for a summer job. I'm ready to start seeing where He wants us in less than 3 months. God, where will we live? Um God, what the heck will I do? What will Stuart do? How will we pay off this debt? How will we pay for our honeymoon please? How are we going to pay for wedding rings and all the other fun things that come with a fun wedding? Please please please??? I believe in you!!! I know you have some plans for us. We're asking you every day. I know you will answer because you always come through. We are waiting and listening for you because we trust you!

I'm sharing this because just about every single person around me right now is experiencing transitions and/or money problems. We have no idea what we are supposed to do after this summer, and we have no idea how we are going to pay for the things we need to pay for.

Let's test it: God, you said you have plans for our future. I'm throwing my plans and hopes at your feet.

Please, move.

We're desperate.

Thanks, and you rule.

Amen

Renee

Let me tell you just a little about the Askews.  They live in a 97-year-old farmhouse 30 minutes from Boone that they gradually fixed up as they birthed and raised three kids.  They are professional artists, and art is everywhere in their home.  If someone is going through a hard time, Renee will have them paint on her couch as therapy.  All kinds of musical instruments hang on the walls.  There are verses and pictures all over the walls, lamps, tables and chairs, and canvases of varying size everywhere you look, painted by all five members of the family.  They buy milk from the local dairy farm, they all share one bathroom, and don't have a dishwasher.  Without some of the modern 'conveniences', you actually feel a lot more peace at their house, and even though they wash dishes by hand, they are never in a hurry but are always on time.  

Hm.....

I feel very inspired when I go there.  Thank you Askews, for being you!

Ahoy! The winds are changin'

I only realized about a week ago that many of these people in Boone that I have fallen in love with over the past 9 months are about to leave for the summer, which wouldn't be such a big deal if I weren't going to be GONE when they get back in the fall!  Yes...I can feel the change stirring up!!  Summer is creeping in in it's most glorious Boone fashion, and consequently, it's now time for something new.

Duh.  I knew this was coming.  I just didn't realize it really was coming!

You know when you're starting something new...and you're in 'starting' mode for awhile?  Like moving back to Boone, for example.  But I've kind of stayed in 'starting' mode up until finish time!  That may not be entirely true- I've really gone after what I thought this time was supposed to be for me.  I've tried to be diligent in following through the things that God had for me during this short season.  And He's brought me far- I'm no longer timid about living life in a lot of ways!   

But there was some mental blockage that made my brain think that everything would be the same in Boone until I marry Stuart and we go off on some new adventure together.  The problem is, I forgot about summer and that other people have other plans!

To my friends who will be here this summer:  We are going to have a blast!!

To my friends who are leaving:  That's ok- we'll have an eternal blast together one day soon!

Oh, PS- thanks to my mom and dad (and their connections) Stuart and I have VIP tickets to see Radiohead this friday in Charlotte!!!  May 9th is my parent's 32nd anniversary, and Stuart and my negative 3 month anniversary!

teenagers

This is so interesting:

I had God TV on while at work today and this guy (John Bevere) was teaching.  Among many other things, here is one interesting point he made:

God never talks about teenagers in the Bible... He talks about babies, children, and adults.  People start puberty at 12/13ish; Jewish children have bar/bat mitzvahs at 12/13.  The point is that 'teenagers' are really adults and we should treat them so.  The prophet Jeremiah got his calling from God at age 16; same with King David.  Also, 11 out of the 12 disciples were under 20 when they got started with JC (Jesus Christ).  The reason so many teenagers are rebellious is that they are ready to be an adult, but haven't had the proper training or treatment from adults!  He suggested the wisdom of running a church/ministry using many young people, while the adults are guiding them with their wisdom.   Young people have the energy; older people have the experience.  They can work so well together. 

I'm really glad I heard that before I start having kids!  I had no idea. 

 

 

fire

I have never seen God move as powerfully as he has been over the past week.  He is sending down fire from heaven- it's the kind of thing you always dream of experiencing!  With my logical mind, I can't accept anything but the real thing.  I can't fake stuff.  I can't fake religion either... God is so real, and heaven is SO close that it is hard to see!  It's too close for our eyes to see it.  We have the joy of walking in faith, which you can't do once you die and you can see heaven.  In heaven, you don't get to choose God despite all the odds- because it's all in front of you.  

The 'spirit realm' sounds like a far away place in a science fiction novel.  Even after studying about Jesus and the way he lived his life, I can believe, technically, that we can see God and follow what he says to do, but living inside a human body with a human mind, it's hard to really believe that the kingdom is inside of us; that we're already seated in heavenly places; that Jesus is IN us and we are IN Him...umm... isn't that a weird concept???  How are we in him...how the heck is he in us?

Anyway.

This fire is unstoppable.  Heaven is infinite.  Let's just see what happens over the next few weeks across the nation. 

Fruit

Allergies just made their vicious return to my sinuses a few hours ago after many wonderful months of relief.  It hit like a train.  Tomorrow I am going to EarthFare to look for a bunch of herbs I just read about online that I hope will help. 

On a more positive note:  

Today, I got to see a lot of fruit in the Junaluska neighborhood while giving out food!   We have been going there every Wednesday since around November, and there are always some ackward times- just because it can feel uncomfortable helping someone, because it insinuates you're in a better place than them and from there the devil tells you all kinds of lies about why you should just leave them alone, you arrogant, ignorant, over-privileged city kids!!  At least that's the crap I constantly ignore in my head.  

The truth is, it is an extreme honor to serve Jesus in these people; to fulfill a dream I have had since childhood; to learn from the people we talk to and to be blessed by them.  It is humbling because I see so clearly that I can offer nothing apart from God.  I feel like a crumpled up piece of paper walking around because I have to just empty out everything from my mind and rely on the Lord to move through me.  

It really is more blessed to give than to receive.  After giving out food, I always feel great because it has taken my focus off of myself, and also I have served Jesus, which is an exhilarating feeling!  

Even though this ministry has presented many challenges and opportunities for me to have to 'die' to my self (which is painful), God has moved through it!  Somehow, we have been catching so many people at 'just the right time'- usually after they lost a job and had no money.  One of our friends today always initiates prayer when we come to her house.  I think maybe one week Stuart asked if he could pray for her after she told us the incredible amount of pain she was in, and that's how it got started.   Today she had a bunch of friends over and suggested we pray for one of the guys whose wife was in the hospital after a bad car accident.  She started praying "God, I really don't know how to pray and I'm not any good at it..." and went on to say that she hadn't prayed in many years until we started praying with her, but now she prays.  We prayed for her too, and all the pain in her arms from stress went away.  We were able to tell her some really simple truths:  You don't have to be under this burden- you can just let it go!  That truth alone is so profound.  

It is incredible that we carry around the kingdom of heaven inside of us.  It is incredible what it does when you take it into a dark place.  People want it so bad because it IS peace...love...joy...hope... and all those things that are the deepest longings of the human soul.  

And it is incredible that we are able to release it all over the earth!

piles and smiles

I have always been fairly tidy, but have had a habit of making little piles of stuff around my space.  Piles of things that I would "deal with later".  Usually the piles could stay for months, or even years... And I am very proud to announce that I am no longer a 'piler'.  I will allow myself to make a pile for a few days, but it won't stay longer than a week.  So there.

Also, I love flowers!!!  When it was pretty on Friday, I went around my yard and picked 2 kinds of purple flowers and some mint springs, arranged them in a tiny white vase, and it's incredible the amount of joy that my little homemade bouquet gives me!  I move it around my room if I'm home, keeping it in the best location for each hour.  It smells like a dream too.

obligatory posting

Here's a post for the sake of a post.

I just haven't been very inspired to write lately!  I'm sure I'll come back around.  

Hooray!

Counseling was just great.

It was... great.

Maybe some quick points I can share:  Each couple creates something new; everyone loves in a different way so you can't use other people as a standard; only Jesus.  We create something new; that's why marriage is an adventure.

That's only a small part.  Brad taught us a ton of great stuff that I will be studying over and over forever. 

 So, the wedding is still on.  Whew!

Marriage Counseling!!

I might be naive for being so excited about our first marriage counseling session tonight!  We have NOOO idea what to expect.  It could be excruciating- touching on the most painful subjects of our lives and love; or it could be really fun as we learn of the joys of marriage and how to love each other better.  There's no telling. 

Well, our prayer all along has been for God to root the junk out of us before we say our vows.  Stuart has prayed that over and over and... it happens!  Issues just pop up.  It can be messy, but it is good.  The theory is that it is better to deal with this personal stuff now than add it onto all the other challenges of marital life.  

This past week has been very intense for me in my head.  By yesterday I felt like I was going CRAZY- everything was messed up- my finances, my body (unexplained wrist pains?), I was hating my job, and I just couldn't get along with my fiance for days!  That's just to name a few.  I even told Stuart that I didn't like him, which has never happened before!  (We often discuss the 'like vs. love' thing.  We'll always love each other, but sometimes it's harder to like the other.  That's when a principle we invented called 'Love in Faith' must be employed.  You actively love, even when you don't feel like it...and it's not easy)

It's OK though- that stuff is just all the 'junk'.  Or some of it.

Stuart had many opportunities to be kind of mad at me for the way I was acting (going crazy), but he kept just looking at me and telling me how fun I was to be around!  Or how sweet I am, and that he's so excited we get to be together forever!  It was actually hilarious to me, because the things he would say did not match up with the way I was at the time but he was being serious!  It was very weird- he wasn't trying to strategically prophesy to me (I don't think), or trick me into being nice again. 

He, somehow, was bigger than the problems and was able to see the Truth instead of the chaos.

So today is perfect timing for our first counseling session.  It's so obvious how God is playing out this 'story', and brings his characters to the point of despair right before the help comes.  It makes for a very good story.  I feel very small and cartoon-like in His hands. 

I'll keep you posted on how it goes!

joy vs. heaviness

My birthday brought this crazy real joy, as birthdays often do.  It was an awesome joy.  I loved it!! The kind that had me just dancing around the house with Stuart and Stephanie just watching me!  Haha..  and it happened again at the rollerskating party last night (that was SO fun!!)

Anxiety has really been manifesting itself lately...It's not social anxiety, it's just this heavy feeling.  It is an illusion, because I feel SOO HEAVYYYYYYY, but there is really no reason!  That's the kind of anxiety I get.   UGGGGHHHHHHHH - that's how it feels!  And when it hits, it seems like there is no way out; like there is no hope in the world (even though I know there is...it just doesn't feel like it at the time).  I pray and pray and pray, and then tell myself over and over: Hey, everything is OK!  It's really OK!!!  It IS!!!  haha!

AND, I believe there is a tiny little lightswitch that turns from the heaviness to the birthdaylike joy.  

Faith.

I'm still reaching around the wall with my hand to learn exactly where this switch is (aka Jesus).  Eventually I will know by heart how to find the switch, but right now it's still taking me some time and effort to find it each time I need it. 

Last night after the party, I was presented with this amazing, beautiful journal!!  It touched me so much- Justina and Harry painted/whatever-beautiful-art-thinged the cover, and some friends wrote the sweetest, most encouraging notes inside it! Oh man... it is perfect.  I couldn't even believe they took the time to do that for me!!  I just now fully read the verse that is discreetly written across the front and back covers:

"And the peace of God which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.  And the peace of God which surpasses all understanding..."

Funny that she wrote the part about peace twice.

Among other amazing things, Kyle Stout painted/mixed media-ed this lone young looking tree growing in and out of layers of blue and orange.  I knew the tree was me.  The art itself really spoke to me, then she wrote underneath:  It's the rainy days that make them grow.

"The Spirit of God, the Master, is on me because God anointed me.

He sent me to preach good news to the poor,

 heal the heartbroken,

Announce freedom to all captives,

 pardon all prisoners.

God sent me to announce the year of his grace-

 a celebration of God's destruction of our enemies-

 and to comfort all who mourn,

To care for the needs of all who mourn in Zion,

 give them bouquets of roses instead of ashes,

Messages of joy instead of news of doom,

 a praising heart instead of a languid spirit.

Rename them "Oaks of Righteousness"

 planted by God to display his glory.

They'll rebuild old ruins,

 raise a new city out of wreckage.

They'll start over on ruined cities,

 take the rubble left behind and make it new"

a true American hero

One time I talked to Stuart on the phone as he rescued a kitten out of a tree.

Some girls' legs will never look like toothpicks.

...that's all I have to say about that :)

I tried to post this a few days ago...

OK, I'm really just doing this for myself- it is so fun to have a birthday list!!  Who cares if it's childish!

1) Lavender pillow spray from Bath and Body Works

2) Subscription to Real Simple

3) flowers

4) boots

5) fun beauty products ie: good lotion, lip gloss

6) $5,000

7) new jeans

8) another diamond ring

9) new car

10) for God to tell me and Stuart where we should live

11) a sweet violin

12) good olive oil

13) a chocolate chip cookie- cake. I love those things.

14) Some homemade fried chicken (WAIT I'm already getting that! Cant' wait!)

15) good music

This awesome family on Junaluska Rd. is making us a real Southern dinner on Thursday (which is my bday!)  I've never had REAL homemade fried chicken (oh, the woes of being white) but these ladies (they're sisters) are experts!  They said "honey, do you think we got this big from eatin' BAD fried chicken??!"

That's all I can think of for my list.  I can't remember what I used to do with my Birthday list- burn it? Send it up the chimney?  Mail it to the North Pole?  What did most kids do?  Was I the only one who always made birthday lists or is that normal?

My birthday is March 20th, and I've always thought that was such a pretty date.  It's the first day of spring!!  I think my birthday will always be fun no matter what happens just because my whole body is just celebrating.  It's like my heart soul and spirit throw a party and it doesn't matter what happens outside my body, although positive outside circumstances are definitely a plus :)

Enough about me, gosh.

Pray for my Uncle Bob- he has been really sick for 2 weeks.  He is wonderful and I want him to feel better. 

Art?

I think it's neat that art never runs out.  Because every person born is something brand new to the universe, creativity will never run out.  God is infinite right?  We are an expression of his image and nature.  Each new soul born brings something no one has ever seen in the history of the world.  

I think my art comes out through hospitality.  In this area, I see things that many people don't see, and I think of things that most wouldn't, because maybe hospitality is my art!  When I clean my kitchen at the end of the day, each little move is a stroke of beauty resulting in a masterpiece!

One of Stuart's arts is humor.  NO ONE in the world would think of the things he says.  He often forgets his jokes afterwards while other people remember them and laugh years later.  It's his art!

Each person is bringing their art...all mingling together in the air...

And the world is a mural!  

My art is NOT writing, but I see the world different from anyone else who has ever lived!  

I am an artist!

(so are you)

lame

My confession:

To me these days, there are not many better feelings than having an immaculate house.

It sounds pathetic, but for me that is utmost satisfaction.

Official 5 month marker

Five months from today will be my first day as a married woman!

The best feeling...

This is one of my favorite things these days-  it's something fairly new to me:

The wisdom and kind advice of the man I'm about to commit the rest of my life to.  

I get so mad at him sometimes.  Sometimes it slowly builds over a few days before I tell him, and sometimes it doesn't take long, but of course, conflict always leads to 'talking it out'.  I love talking it out!!  My love language is quality time, so that is part of why I love it.  Also, because I am not very confrontational, an issue needs to really upset me before I address it; so whenever we have 'a talk', it's about something really important to me and it feels extremely good to get it out.  

And THEN, he listens!  I love being listened to.  And I love the advice (OR apology, solution, heart-sharing....whatever) that follows.  

It's just sweet.  I have wise parents who did this for me growing up, but now I have a wise person that I'm about to marry who can do it too!  Coooool!

Oh...it was a hoax

I just found out the 'masked gunman' who caused ASU to be on lockdown for an hour and a half was not real.  Some guy made up a story to avoid having to pay for his broken lock (or something like that).  

And now there are 3 facebook groups dedicated to bashing him, and countless students are cursing him over and over.  I can't imagine what his life is like right now.  

I just wouldn't be able to bash like that because I know what it feels like to make a ridiculous move in life that you regret later...

I have done things and thought things that I am so glad no one will ever know while we're on earth.  

I'm just sorry that his had to be exposed like that, and I'm praying for him.  When someone falls down, we need to help him get back up- not stomp all over his broken body.

 

I'm in the wardrobe!

Wait a second...

How is tonight ending on such a sweet note?  This is amazing.  And supernatural!

Today:  

-I thought I would work and make a lot of money to pay the rent that is due now; but today's work didn't work out. 

-Was left with another day off, when I really didn't want a day off (isn't that weird?)

-Didn't eat until dinner (but that was intentional)

-I spent a lot of time reading wedding blogs at the coffee shop, when in my mind that isn't 'accomplishing' much. 

-Got rear-ended by a car

-A masked gunman caused the town to shut down for a few hours 

-We had to cancel our MorningStar meeting because the campus was on lockdown

-Just cried with a friend about her excruciating breakup 

But i feel great!!  That is the grace of God. 

He actually showed me last night that I'm 'in the wardrobe'- like Lucy!  I'm in a transition in my life, where I have already left behind a lot of the joys that were in the house and I'm walking toward Narnia, but I can't see it yet!  I think I'm starting to brush against some of the pine needles, but it has not enveloped my senses yet.  I can't touch it, but I know it's coming.  It's hard to explain, but it makes so much sense right now!  That's why I've been feeling kind of numb.  I've given up a lot of pleasures I used to feel out of ignorance.  I'm seeking hard after Truth.  I can feel it coming, and see it sometimes, but it hasn't become a full reality I can walk in.  

I want to live supernaturally, like Jesus.  I'm tired of not hearing God.  The sweetness I feel tonight is one of those pine needle branches.  I'd better grab a fur coat...

5 months of "good night"s to go...

Last night I had the first TINY miniscule freak out about getting married.  It wasn't about Stuart, it was just about being a married person.  It's only scary because I've never done it before and I don't know what it's like to not be under the trusted care of my parents!  My parents have been great to me for 24 years and now I'm leaving them and cleaving with another person my own age who has never 'cloven' to another person before... so how will he know how to take care of me and me him??

But Ok, it lasted about 7 seconds, and as soon as I journaled it out it was gone.  I've had so much peace about this relationship for three solid years.

Now tonight when Stuart drove me home, I was thinking "I'm really tired of saying 'good night' to my best friend every night!!"

anger

Today, I decided that 98% of people in the world have dealt with anger at some point, and 97% still do to some extent.  I mean, I made those numbers up but I bet that's a good guess!  I actually have thought and prayed about the subject of anger in my life a lot recently, because I

know that is one thing I do not want to take into marriage!  

And I'm reflecting back on my life, and see how anger has steered the course of so many of my relationships.  Actually, I believe anger has ruined the opportunity for countless friendships in my past.  There is one particular moment that comes to mind every time- in this moment I'm sitting in my room alone at my old house.  There are several really great girls over, and because I'm crazy with this anger thing still in me, I am mad for seriously what now seems like no reason.  No one knew I was mad.  I think I was mad because I didn't feel appreciated, or treated right, or like they just weren't as cool as me.  Self-pity is one of the ugliest situations in the world.  So is pride...and anger, and they're all connected!  

And these girls were great, but because I was blinded by weird passive aggressive anger for insane reasons, I disconnected myself from them and missed some really great opportunities.  They actually had a lot of fun without me!  I see the same thing woven all throughout my high school and middle school days...I was closed off because I was so focused on my problems.  I thought about how people should treat me constantly- I didn't even see that they were hurting too and I could have loved them and helped their hurt!  Instead, I only thought about my own hurt.  This was extremely destructive and led to a lot of bad results.

Anyway, God has really brought me a looong way!!  I can't even believe the capacity I have to love now, especially compared to my past!  It has not come easily, but being able to really see a difference in the way my heart works now is amazing.  I'm talking about my involuntary reactions- I don't even have to try, and I find myself having compassion for people I wouldn't have given the time of day to before.  And my parents!!  If you read my old diaries you would see it is a miracle how much I love them now!! Haha...(and they are not hard to love, for the record.  They are 2 of the greatest people in the world and they blow me away by their kindness.)

The Lord has just done this.  And it has come from a lot of decisions to die to my old self and choose Jesus' way, and a lot of times on my face with Him doing things I can't even explain in my spirit.  Can you believe he let his enemies make a mockery of Him in public?  He knew He was God.  He even loved the people who did that to Him.  We just watched The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe and the part that gets me the most is the way the enemies taunt Aslan and belittle him before he lets them take his life.  It kills me because I know and he knows and THEY know who he really is!  It's amazing that to be 'weak' is really to be strong.  God's ways are opposite of what the world thinks.   

Oftentimes Christians hide anger so we look and feel more "holy".  But if anger is still there only suppressed, it then sneaks out through passive aggression...which is really nasty.  

Soooo here's my anger! Out in daylight with no place to hide!  Honestly, there's only a little left (compared to what I was starting with..) that surfaces from time to time.  We had a great time at church this morning after Matt Peterson spoke about anger.  He said that statistically anger shortens your life expectancy by a lot.  Stuart and I agreed to a new habit: when we see anger in each other, then pray for the other instead of getting angry that the other one is angry!  

So if you see me acting weird the next few months, it might be God letting me make some final decisions about what to do with remaining anger fragments in my heart.  Just pray for me!

influenza

The other morning, I woke up with the flu...during the night, my body shook for what felt like hours.  In a delirious state of mind, I felt like I was being enveloped in a spiral, and by the morning time, I felt entirely pinned down on the bed.  I laid there for three hours, slowly trying to 'unpin' myself, one body part at a time.  First I would have to unpin a part, then let it lay there and warm up before it could move.  Being sick takes your mind to strange places.  After finally making it to the bathroom (and almost passing out from dizziness) I climbed, of course, back into the my flannel snowflake sheet set.  

And this is the weird part.  God was at my window.  He wasn't literally, but he was!  I saw him there in the sunlight.  And he made me smile, and just drunkenly tell him how much I love him.  

I love that moment!