Anxiety has really been manifesting itself lately...It's not social anxiety, it's just this heavy feeling. It is an illusion, because I feel SOO HEAVYYYYYYY, but there is really no reason! That's the kind of anxiety I get. UGGGGHHHHHHHH - that's how it feels! And when it hits, it seems like there is no way out; like there is no hope in the world (even though I know there is...it just doesn't feel like it at the time). I pray and pray and pray, and then tell myself over and over: Hey, everything is OK! It's really OK!!! It IS!!! haha!
AND, I believe there is a tiny little lightswitch that turns from the heaviness to the birthdaylike joy.
Faith.
I'm still reaching around the wall with my hand to learn exactly where this switch is (aka Jesus). Eventually I will know by heart how to find the switch, but right now it's still taking me some time and effort to find it each time I need it.
Last night after the party, I was presented with this amazing, beautiful journal!! It touched me so much- Justina and Harry painted/whatever-beautiful-art-thinged the cover, and some friends wrote the sweetest, most encouraging notes inside it! Oh man... it is perfect. I couldn't even believe they took the time to do that for me!! I just now fully read the verse that is discreetly written across the front and back covers:
"And the peace of God which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. And the peace of God which surpasses all understanding..."
Funny that she wrote the part about peace twice.
Among other amazing things, Kyle Stout painted/mixed media-ed this lone young looking tree growing in and out of layers of blue and orange. I knew the tree was me. The art itself really spoke to me, then she wrote underneath: It's the rainy days that make them grow.
"The Spirit of God, the Master, is on me because God anointed me.
He sent me to preach good news to the poor,
heal the heartbroken,
Announce freedom to all captives,
pardon all prisoners.
God sent me to announce the year of his grace-
a celebration of God's destruction of our enemies-
and to comfort all who mourn,
To care for the needs of all who mourn in Zion,
give them bouquets of roses instead of ashes,
Messages of joy instead of news of doom,
a praising heart instead of a languid spirit.
Rename them "Oaks of Righteousness"
planted by God to display his glory.
They'll rebuild old ruins,
raise a new city out of wreckage.
They'll start over on ruined cities,
take the rubble left behind and make it new"
1 comment:
oh, Courtney. How many times have I learned stuff from you? I, too, have been laboring under a huge heaviness during the last 2 weeks - brought on by a couple of events and aggravated by everything else that came along. Beginning to slowly emerge, I read you blog and not only do I completely understand, but it gives me hope. Faith! Love!
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