anger

Today, I decided that 98% of people in the world have dealt with anger at some point, and 97% still do to some extent.  I mean, I made those numbers up but I bet that's a good guess!  I actually have thought and prayed about the subject of anger in my life a lot recently, because I

know that is one thing I do not want to take into marriage!  

And I'm reflecting back on my life, and see how anger has steered the course of so many of my relationships.  Actually, I believe anger has ruined the opportunity for countless friendships in my past.  There is one particular moment that comes to mind every time- in this moment I'm sitting in my room alone at my old house.  There are several really great girls over, and because I'm crazy with this anger thing still in me, I am mad for seriously what now seems like no reason.  No one knew I was mad.  I think I was mad because I didn't feel appreciated, or treated right, or like they just weren't as cool as me.  Self-pity is one of the ugliest situations in the world.  So is pride...and anger, and they're all connected!  

And these girls were great, but because I was blinded by weird passive aggressive anger for insane reasons, I disconnected myself from them and missed some really great opportunities.  They actually had a lot of fun without me!  I see the same thing woven all throughout my high school and middle school days...I was closed off because I was so focused on my problems.  I thought about how people should treat me constantly- I didn't even see that they were hurting too and I could have loved them and helped their hurt!  Instead, I only thought about my own hurt.  This was extremely destructive and led to a lot of bad results.

Anyway, God has really brought me a looong way!!  I can't even believe the capacity I have to love now, especially compared to my past!  It has not come easily, but being able to really see a difference in the way my heart works now is amazing.  I'm talking about my involuntary reactions- I don't even have to try, and I find myself having compassion for people I wouldn't have given the time of day to before.  And my parents!!  If you read my old diaries you would see it is a miracle how much I love them now!! Haha...(and they are not hard to love, for the record.  They are 2 of the greatest people in the world and they blow me away by their kindness.)

The Lord has just done this.  And it has come from a lot of decisions to die to my old self and choose Jesus' way, and a lot of times on my face with Him doing things I can't even explain in my spirit.  Can you believe he let his enemies make a mockery of Him in public?  He knew He was God.  He even loved the people who did that to Him.  We just watched The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe and the part that gets me the most is the way the enemies taunt Aslan and belittle him before he lets them take his life.  It kills me because I know and he knows and THEY know who he really is!  It's amazing that to be 'weak' is really to be strong.  God's ways are opposite of what the world thinks.   

Oftentimes Christians hide anger so we look and feel more "holy".  But if anger is still there only suppressed, it then sneaks out through passive aggression...which is really nasty.  

Soooo here's my anger! Out in daylight with no place to hide!  Honestly, there's only a little left (compared to what I was starting with..) that surfaces from time to time.  We had a great time at church this morning after Matt Peterson spoke about anger.  He said that statistically anger shortens your life expectancy by a lot.  Stuart and I agreed to a new habit: when we see anger in each other, then pray for the other instead of getting angry that the other one is angry!  

So if you see me acting weird the next few months, it might be God letting me make some final decisions about what to do with remaining anger fragments in my heart.  Just pray for me!