joy vs. heaviness

My birthday brought this crazy real joy, as birthdays often do.  It was an awesome joy.  I loved it!! The kind that had me just dancing around the house with Stuart and Stephanie just watching me!  Haha..  and it happened again at the rollerskating party last night (that was SO fun!!)

Anxiety has really been manifesting itself lately...It's not social anxiety, it's just this heavy feeling.  It is an illusion, because I feel SOO HEAVYYYYYYY, but there is really no reason!  That's the kind of anxiety I get.   UGGGGHHHHHHHH - that's how it feels!  And when it hits, it seems like there is no way out; like there is no hope in the world (even though I know there is...it just doesn't feel like it at the time).  I pray and pray and pray, and then tell myself over and over: Hey, everything is OK!  It's really OK!!!  It IS!!!  haha!

AND, I believe there is a tiny little lightswitch that turns from the heaviness to the birthdaylike joy.  

Faith.

I'm still reaching around the wall with my hand to learn exactly where this switch is (aka Jesus).  Eventually I will know by heart how to find the switch, but right now it's still taking me some time and effort to find it each time I need it. 

Last night after the party, I was presented with this amazing, beautiful journal!!  It touched me so much- Justina and Harry painted/whatever-beautiful-art-thinged the cover, and some friends wrote the sweetest, most encouraging notes inside it! Oh man... it is perfect.  I couldn't even believe they took the time to do that for me!!  I just now fully read the verse that is discreetly written across the front and back covers:

"And the peace of God which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.  And the peace of God which surpasses all understanding..."

Funny that she wrote the part about peace twice.

Among other amazing things, Kyle Stout painted/mixed media-ed this lone young looking tree growing in and out of layers of blue and orange.  I knew the tree was me.  The art itself really spoke to me, then she wrote underneath:  It's the rainy days that make them grow.

"The Spirit of God, the Master, is on me because God anointed me.

He sent me to preach good news to the poor,

 heal the heartbroken,

Announce freedom to all captives,

 pardon all prisoners.

God sent me to announce the year of his grace-

 a celebration of God's destruction of our enemies-

 and to comfort all who mourn,

To care for the needs of all who mourn in Zion,

 give them bouquets of roses instead of ashes,

Messages of joy instead of news of doom,

 a praising heart instead of a languid spirit.

Rename them "Oaks of Righteousness"

 planted by God to display his glory.

They'll rebuild old ruins,

 raise a new city out of wreckage.

They'll start over on ruined cities,

 take the rubble left behind and make it new"

a true American hero

One time I talked to Stuart on the phone as he rescued a kitten out of a tree.

Some girls' legs will never look like toothpicks.

...that's all I have to say about that :)

I tried to post this a few days ago...

OK, I'm really just doing this for myself- it is so fun to have a birthday list!!  Who cares if it's childish!

1) Lavender pillow spray from Bath and Body Works

2) Subscription to Real Simple

3) flowers

4) boots

5) fun beauty products ie: good lotion, lip gloss

6) $5,000

7) new jeans

8) another diamond ring

9) new car

10) for God to tell me and Stuart where we should live

11) a sweet violin

12) good olive oil

13) a chocolate chip cookie- cake. I love those things.

14) Some homemade fried chicken (WAIT I'm already getting that! Cant' wait!)

15) good music

This awesome family on Junaluska Rd. is making us a real Southern dinner on Thursday (which is my bday!)  I've never had REAL homemade fried chicken (oh, the woes of being white) but these ladies (they're sisters) are experts!  They said "honey, do you think we got this big from eatin' BAD fried chicken??!"

That's all I can think of for my list.  I can't remember what I used to do with my Birthday list- burn it? Send it up the chimney?  Mail it to the North Pole?  What did most kids do?  Was I the only one who always made birthday lists or is that normal?

My birthday is March 20th, and I've always thought that was such a pretty date.  It's the first day of spring!!  I think my birthday will always be fun no matter what happens just because my whole body is just celebrating.  It's like my heart soul and spirit throw a party and it doesn't matter what happens outside my body, although positive outside circumstances are definitely a plus :)

Enough about me, gosh.

Pray for my Uncle Bob- he has been really sick for 2 weeks.  He is wonderful and I want him to feel better. 

Art?

I think it's neat that art never runs out.  Because every person born is something brand new to the universe, creativity will never run out.  God is infinite right?  We are an expression of his image and nature.  Each new soul born brings something no one has ever seen in the history of the world.  

I think my art comes out through hospitality.  In this area, I see things that many people don't see, and I think of things that most wouldn't, because maybe hospitality is my art!  When I clean my kitchen at the end of the day, each little move is a stroke of beauty resulting in a masterpiece!

One of Stuart's arts is humor.  NO ONE in the world would think of the things he says.  He often forgets his jokes afterwards while other people remember them and laugh years later.  It's his art!

Each person is bringing their art...all mingling together in the air...

And the world is a mural!  

My art is NOT writing, but I see the world different from anyone else who has ever lived!  

I am an artist!

(so are you)

lame

My confession:

To me these days, there are not many better feelings than having an immaculate house.

It sounds pathetic, but for me that is utmost satisfaction.

Official 5 month marker

Five months from today will be my first day as a married woman!

The best feeling...

This is one of my favorite things these days-  it's something fairly new to me:

The wisdom and kind advice of the man I'm about to commit the rest of my life to.  

I get so mad at him sometimes.  Sometimes it slowly builds over a few days before I tell him, and sometimes it doesn't take long, but of course, conflict always leads to 'talking it out'.  I love talking it out!!  My love language is quality time, so that is part of why I love it.  Also, because I am not very confrontational, an issue needs to really upset me before I address it; so whenever we have 'a talk', it's about something really important to me and it feels extremely good to get it out.  

And THEN, he listens!  I love being listened to.  And I love the advice (OR apology, solution, heart-sharing....whatever) that follows.  

It's just sweet.  I have wise parents who did this for me growing up, but now I have a wise person that I'm about to marry who can do it too!  Coooool!

Oh...it was a hoax

I just found out the 'masked gunman' who caused ASU to be on lockdown for an hour and a half was not real.  Some guy made up a story to avoid having to pay for his broken lock (or something like that).  

And now there are 3 facebook groups dedicated to bashing him, and countless students are cursing him over and over.  I can't imagine what his life is like right now.  

I just wouldn't be able to bash like that because I know what it feels like to make a ridiculous move in life that you regret later...

I have done things and thought things that I am so glad no one will ever know while we're on earth.  

I'm just sorry that his had to be exposed like that, and I'm praying for him.  When someone falls down, we need to help him get back up- not stomp all over his broken body.

 

I'm in the wardrobe!

Wait a second...

How is tonight ending on such a sweet note?  This is amazing.  And supernatural!

Today:  

-I thought I would work and make a lot of money to pay the rent that is due now; but today's work didn't work out. 

-Was left with another day off, when I really didn't want a day off (isn't that weird?)

-Didn't eat until dinner (but that was intentional)

-I spent a lot of time reading wedding blogs at the coffee shop, when in my mind that isn't 'accomplishing' much. 

-Got rear-ended by a car

-A masked gunman caused the town to shut down for a few hours 

-We had to cancel our MorningStar meeting because the campus was on lockdown

-Just cried with a friend about her excruciating breakup 

But i feel great!!  That is the grace of God. 

He actually showed me last night that I'm 'in the wardrobe'- like Lucy!  I'm in a transition in my life, where I have already left behind a lot of the joys that were in the house and I'm walking toward Narnia, but I can't see it yet!  I think I'm starting to brush against some of the pine needles, but it has not enveloped my senses yet.  I can't touch it, but I know it's coming.  It's hard to explain, but it makes so much sense right now!  That's why I've been feeling kind of numb.  I've given up a lot of pleasures I used to feel out of ignorance.  I'm seeking hard after Truth.  I can feel it coming, and see it sometimes, but it hasn't become a full reality I can walk in.  

I want to live supernaturally, like Jesus.  I'm tired of not hearing God.  The sweetness I feel tonight is one of those pine needle branches.  I'd better grab a fur coat...

5 months of "good night"s to go...

Last night I had the first TINY miniscule freak out about getting married.  It wasn't about Stuart, it was just about being a married person.  It's only scary because I've never done it before and I don't know what it's like to not be under the trusted care of my parents!  My parents have been great to me for 24 years and now I'm leaving them and cleaving with another person my own age who has never 'cloven' to another person before... so how will he know how to take care of me and me him??

But Ok, it lasted about 7 seconds, and as soon as I journaled it out it was gone.  I've had so much peace about this relationship for three solid years.

Now tonight when Stuart drove me home, I was thinking "I'm really tired of saying 'good night' to my best friend every night!!"