25.5 weeks & let's be honest...

Greetings.

Interesting weekend. I have slept so much! And had a cry-fest each night before bed. I am freaked out by my own body and it seems to catch up with me at the end of the day. Something big and scary is happening and my body is the closest thing to me- I can't get away from it! It has never done anything crazy like this child-growing business before. What if this isn't a good thing that's happening?? I already love my Little Clarklet and he is a very cool kid but what if we are just not ready for this change and responsibility? I can hardly take care of myself and husband so how can I really take care of a baby? I mean, Stuart and I haven't made it to the dentist in 2.5 years. This weekend I've wanted to stop, rewind time and just not do this yet. I just keep catching my bump in my peripheral vision- I can't escape it. Also it is hindering hugs with my husband. Not cool.

There is a part of me that is confidant about labor, delivery and motherhood. I know I will do great- it runs in my family! I'm peaceful and hopeful. There is a time for everything, and my time for this is now. I will be stretched in so many ways and will become a better person ultimately. There is also a part of me that has been completely terrified of birth for the last decade. And motherhood is a complete unknown. Unknowns make me uneasy.

I'm being really honest here with no apologies. I had an easy couple of weeks lately and I must've gotten a big new dose of hormones that are pushing me over the edge. I know we will be OK but Stuart is leaving his job this week and trying to guess how we will make ends meet adds stress to an already overwhelming-feeling situation. Faith is good... but really hard! I've been reading through James lately about how trials produce all kinds of good fruit. I need good fruit. I asked God to grow, test and purify me. But I do look forward to someday knowing that we will be able to eat and buy the things that our baby needs.

I have been in full-fledge nesting mode! Sometimes I can't sleep because my brain is racing about different ways to rearrange furniture or re-pot plants. The other day I called a dining room table a gas station. That was so weird (and hilarious...and embarrassing). I am subsequently a believer in 'pregnancy brain'.

Little man moves around a lot every day. It's good to know he's alive and well. Even through freak-outs, I do love and care about him very much. When I feel his little feet pushing against me, it makes me excited to feel them in real life! At Wive's Club the other night, we were talking about how God won't create a child and then not make sure it's taken care of. I cling to that. I have believed in God my whole life and somehow I've made it through a lot over many years! I'm still here and I am sane and whole and usually happy. The Clarks will survive.

Again: Rollercoasters.

Thanks for reading and please don't worry about me (mom!). Everyone freaks out sometimes, right? I have a peace that ultimately can't be shaken.

"Faith Under Pressure"

Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely (ha. ha). Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.

- James 1 from the Message

love,

me and my baby