Holy Guacamole!

Hello friends!

It's Saturday morning. That means a whole lot of things, but one of which is I get a chance to step back and think about how things are going. This morning I did a lot of praying about life...I've been really frustrated lately with some things that I never wanted to be happening at this point in my life, that are happening. We are not where I always thought we would be at this point, but in many ways we are better so I have to give those things to God, let go, and relax into His peace.

I am sharing my body with another adorable, sweet, healthy, heart-beating human. That is so cool!

I am really happy in my marriage. I just love being married; we have so much fun together, and yesterday morning he made me pancakes! On a weekday!!!

So really, many things are even better than I could ever hope for, so that is what we will focus on.

I am very happy to report that at 15.5 weeks pregnant, I officially feel better than I have since July! My sweet babe is avocado sized, and big enough where I could cradle it in my hand, which in a weird way I wish I could. But no...stay in there and keep cooking, little one! We watched the "Babies" movie the other day, and on the same day I found a bunch of pregnancy magazines that my doctor's office gave us. Those 2 events made me have a turning point of getting excited about having a baby around. Reading about conception and growth of the baby was moving because it is so miraculous and crazy. We all overcame many many odds to come into existence! It's so cool how the teeny tiny egg and sperm work SO hard to do all they have to do to create life.

I also was given my 1st batch of maternity clothes by Jessi Puleo- thank you!! The only thing I have used so far is some tank tops because it's just so important to have shirts long enough to cozily cover all of my glorious mini-bump.

Becoming parents means making lots of changes. Stuart and I have been hard at work scheming our plans for next year. It is very exciting to have to make changes and I believe more things are going to open up for us that we can't even see yet. Stuart has taken lots of initiative with some new endeavors and I'm very proud and inspired by him. He's exploring the music production/management field, which he will be amazing in. I'm thankful that my job provides a month of paid maternity leave! I very much look forward to a day when I work less than 40 hours a week. Working full time has been the worst thing that ever happened to me! Why do we do that to ourselves?? Ugh.

Someday soon we will start working on a nursery. That will be interesting.

Thanks for reading!

14 weeks-that's over 1/3 of 40!

Hello. My little friend is learning how to pee this week. At 3.5 inches tall, it is the size of a lemon.

I love lemons!

Today, I feel big. Like the Grinch's heart, my stomach grew 3 sizes in one day. (I love that movie!) I have to remind myself not to feel self-conscious of my bigger-than-usual belly, especially in a room full of people who don't know me or that I'm pregnant like tonight at Charlotte 1. What would really be so bad if people just think I have a nice belly full of food? It's just a hard thing for a girl to come to terms with. Pretty sure I'm not the only one...You spend so many years trying to suck it in, but now I just can't.

I have felt sort of bad that I haven't always been excited when people ask me if I'm excited. Sometimes it just is what it is (I have always hated when Stuart says that but it makes sense right now). I wasn't planning or preparing mentally for this before it happened. I am a slow processor- I had a 14 month engagement for goodness sake! I take a nice healthy amount of time to get used to decisions and changes. I'm just not super pumped all the time, but when I do feel pumped I really savor those moments! Tonight I was talking about Baby C's developments with a friend and we both started marveling at how amazing and miraculous it is. 2 biological elements that are so SO small come together...then a human grows. Who knows how that happens! Sometimes I feel overwhelmed with gratitude that such an amazing miracle could be happening in me! But that's only happened a few times really.

I'm starting to feel like I know my kid, a little bit. Ok, DON'T JUDGE ME FOR THIS. If you do, whatever I don't care. My family has a big European influence (we have travelled there a lot and my parents still go 4 times a year as missionary counselors). I was introduced to beer (I mean good, German beer) by my dad when I was 16 in Germany. I love beer!! Last Friday, Stuart and I had had a long week, and being so diligent with our extra tight budget, had sort of just been eating crap, or nothing, for like 2 weeks. We got paid this day and decided to go on a date to Cabo Fish Taco. A date is always a good investment in any economy since marriage is such an important thing to fight for. I had a long day at work and made a decision in the car that made me smile, then laugh! "I am going to order a beer! And you are going to help me drink it! This is PERFECT!!!" I am still normal looking enough where I don't LOOK like a prego ordering a beer. And Stuart was happy to help.

My 1/2 beer was so worth it, and loved mingling with the fish taco in my happy stomach. In Europe, doctors actually recommend a glass of beer or wine to help keep the mom relaxed. No one wants a stressed out mom! But as stated, I feel like I'm getting to know my kid a little bit, and in a weird way, I felt like it should know that part of me. Now, I would not feed a newborn baby beer, but the nutrients will get filtered through my body first and I wanted it to know what tastes I like. Maybe I'm naive and crazy. But we're going to be OK.

PS: the baby is also kicking around, grimacing, and it's ears have moved from it's neck to it's head. All good things.

So proud of my little lemon.

oh life

Last time I was a blogger, I was preparing for marriage and enjoying the new experiences that followed.

Now, I am preparing for my first baby!!

I am 10.5 weeks pregnant with Sweet Baby Clark. SBC is currently 2 inches tall, and this week developed fingernails! The little sucker is taking up lots of my energy! This weekend, I slept 12 hours both Friday and Saturday nights! I get winded quicker than I used to, and walk a little slower. My couch and bed became my new best friends for the first 8 weeks...which I found to put a damper on my social life. Weeks 9 and 10 I started to get a little more energy in the evenings so was happy to take advantage of feeling good and seeing friends again.

I first started feeling sick and tired at week 3, before the result could even turn up positive on a test. I took the first pregnancy test on our 2 year anniversary, August 9th, 2010. The result was the faintest blue line- which was not convincing enough for me. I just stayed in denial until a definite positive sign showed up 2 days later when I tried again. Upon seeing this result, Stuart and I just stared at it for about a minute. Then I starting processing verbally, "OK, I see a plus sign. Do you see a plus sign? The box says a plus sign means you are...pregnant. So that means I am...pregnant. Does that mean I'm pregnant??" Then I collapsed in a pile of tears in Stuart's arms for about an eternity. After sobbing hysterically, I finally smiled and thought that a baby would be very sweet...then cried in terror again. I ultimately knew that this would be a good thing, although it's something I've been terrified of ever since I was old enough to know it could happen to me one day.

Being pregnant reminds me a little bit of being engaged to be married. You are in a sort of contract to begin something huge and completely life-altering. The moment of discovery is like the moment of proposal. You would never know such a complex and intense scale of emotions could be packed into such a short moment. Although the emotions were a little different in both instances for me (engagement was more of a "FINALLY!!" while pregnancy was like "ALREADY??") in both moments, I started coming to terms that a very very big change was going to happen.

Oh wonderful, terrifying life. Come on and happen.

Clark Update

Things are getting smoother. I guess we didn't really realize how many major moves we made at one time; which would explain why I, from about August-November, felt a little like I was spinning in circles trying to figure out what I was doing.

In August '08:
Stuart graduated college (I beat him in that area by 2 years! heh heh...)
We um...got married!
Moved to Charlotte
LEFT lots of great friends, beautiful mountains, and life in Boone, NC
Settled into a new home
Started adjusting to living together- a pretty good amount of adjustment there
Spent 2 weeks honeymooning in Hawaii

Then in the 2 subsequent months:
Both started working full time- our first time spending 40 hrs a week at the same job! And found that- oh my gosh- that is a lot of time in one place.
Experienced dividing time with our families over the major holidays.
Stuart started gigging (playing bass) regularly all over town.

Probably other things happened too? But I am here to report that life keeps getting better. We knew it would take a little time for our home to feel like 'home'. But that is starting to happen.

Our goals for 2009 are to keep our priorities straight, and to get closer to God. Let's see if I can get this right:

1. God
2. Each other
3. Family
4. Ministry (whatever we feel we are called to do personally for the work of the kingdom of heaven)
5. Job

Something like that. The challenge, as I'm sure the whole rest of the world knows, is balancing how much time #5 has to take by definition. And how much energy it wipes out of us every day!

We are having a lot of fun, and who are all those people that said the first year of marriage is awful??!! Tell them to stop. Each month has been better than the one before.

Happy New Year everyone!

Thoughts on Marriage

I've had many thought on marriage over the past 4.5 months....

Without getting inappropriately personal, I will attempt to share some:

In marriage, you gain your very own Human. Almost like having a pet, you start to learn all the requirements and specifications of this Human, and the journey is learning how to take the best care of your Human, while enjoying all the benefits they have to offer and working with the requirements of their well-being. You begin to witness the most delightful, most secret, most serious, and the most interesting things that they do. It is really thrilling.


Marriage is sort of like the dance women do when we try to put on really tight jeans. First, you wiggle out to one side, hop up, then you wiggle over to the over... Etc. You really have to work with the jeans in order to eventually get the perfect fit...

2 month mark

FYI, my new email address is courtneywclark@gmail.com.  If anyone knows how to switch this blog over to that account, let me know...

And yes, today marks two months of marital bliss!!!!!

Something good happened yesterday.  I practiced my violin.  I had done that a few times lately, after a 1.5 month long hiatus over the wedding and honeymoon time.  You see, for me that is a long time of not playing.  And it was needed.  I started playing at age 9.  I am incredibly fortunate that my parents supported me taking violin lessons from 3rd grade, all the way through high school!!  I didn't realize then what a big deal that is.  I took them every week- Thursday nights- for all those years from a wonderful and passionate Romanian woman named Nora Smilovicci.  

All three of us Wilson girls started out in the Suzuki method, and gradually the other 2 lost interest (and eventually picked up other instruments and are both very gifted musicians!).  I always enjoyed the process of digging into a challenging piece, chewing on it, and eventually performing it at a level my teacher and I were both satisfied with.  It came naturally to me- not on a virtuosic level, but a level that gave the right amount of satisfaction.  

In 5th grade when public schools first offered band and orchestra, I was already ahead of all the others since I had already been playing for two years.  This trend continued in middle school...and in high school.  It was sort of uncomfortable, but OK that my orchestra teachers appreciated and favored me.  It was an honor to always be first chair, although I felt ackward with the attention it put on me.  I didn't like when the teachers would complain about the other kids to me.  In high school, I participated in N.C. Honors Orchestra, and made it to All-State orchestra- a collection of the most nerdy kids from North Carolina. 

When it came time to look at colleges, I decided I would like to teach orchestra one day.  I had had some weird (and also bad) experiences with public school music teachers, and thought I could save the world of music, or at least do my part by being cooler than the others.  I auditioned with this incredible piece at ASU and UNC Chapel Hill.  It was Concerto No. 9 in A Minor by Charles de Beriot, the 1st movement, and the coolest/hardest piece I had ever played.  I had been deferred from Chapel Hill before the audition, and afterward I never heard from them- I got a weird vibe from the music department anyway.  At ASU however, the faculty were much friendlier and I got a scholarship for violin. 

As soon as I moved into my dorm, I jumped into the world of the music school.  Music Education majors were required to practice 3 hours a day, 6 days a week.  I had weekly lessons with an amazing teacher.  It was refreshing to get a new perspective on violin.  The orchestra was fun to play in.  I hated that my new teacher required me to do tons of scale work and technique exercises- which are not nearly as fun as working on a new piece but are really so important.  My technique improved a lot and it was fun to have the skills to play pieces that I once thought were impossible.  I also tried teaching lessons for awhile, and taught a 9 year old boy how to play violin. 

Well, this life continued for 2 years.  I found that 3 hours of day of practice (which I never really did 6 days a week...), plus a full load of classes, conflicts with my social desires and needs!  Plus, with violin, you can never have long fingernails, and you develop a funny red mark on your neck from where the violin rests!  Who wants that on their wedding day?? My back also hurt from orchestra rehearsals.  Not to mention, the social environment of the music building did not fit my style at all.  In fact, I felt stifled and depressed there.  

In the 1st week of my junior year, I made a radical and sudden decision to change majors. I loved practicing, but really wanted to hang out with what I viewed as 'normal' people.  I also just wanted to try out something different than what I had been since I was 9.  I felt like I needed to burst out of a box I had put myself in.  And I was suddenly scared of teaching.  So I switched to Communication, and from that point felt like I really came alive!  I stayed in the Orchestra another semester just in case I wanted to switch back, but the freedom that came from getting out of that dark, isolated, old orange-walled music building was very liberating!  

Something wonderful that came from making this switch was that I began to improvise on the violin!  I had done that a little before, but without the burden and pressure of practicing assigned music every week, I was now free to just play whatever I felt like!  I started playing for worship times by myself or with others, and loved creating complimentary melodies and harmonies to fit into the music that other people were making.  It felt really good to NOT practice very much.  

I grew my nails.  I lost the red mark.  

However, I also lost my chops over time and saw my technical skills slowly decreasing.  But after making this switch, I couldn't go back!  I was now a free woman!!  It felt so good using that free time to see friends and do other stuff musically.  I played non-classical music for a change, and started playing more with friends in little shows and coffee shops.  These were the Ghengis, Jimmy Laura & Courtney, and Dabney times. 

In Wilmington I lived alone in the ghetto for a period of time.  I would walk around my house playing violin with the heavenly host and great cloud of witnesses.  It was warfare.  But my playing was still sparse.

When Stuart gave me an engagement ring, and finally on my wedding day, I had long(ish) beautiful nails and no red mark!!

From the fall of 2004 when I quit weekly violin lessons after 11 years, to fall of 2008 as a newly married woman of 2 months, I have changed and grown more than I can say.  Looking back on my high school self, I feel so different; I feel so free.   

Last week, I picked up the old instrument.  I tried some scales... things weren't too bad.  Yesterday, with no one home and all the doors and windows shut, after warming up I decided to jump into a meaty, technically very challenging piece- Praeludium and Allegro by Fritz Kreisler.  And I fell in love again with the raw, organic feeling of working through some nasty stuff to produce a lovely and gratifying sound.

I had to be removed from it.  I had to be purged.  Some mindsets I had from age 9 needed to not be associated with music anymore.  I needed to grow up.  

I think the Holy Spirit has been working on me- I've been through some really tough personal times where I had to choose either my self or the Lord.  He is better really.  Even though I think I'm smart and capable and can make decisions on my own...He is better.  I'm so thankful He pressed me up against my 'self'  and made me choose to let go.  And now I am free. 

Yesterday, I cut my nails again.

oh... you again? wonderful!

Oh, hello.

I've been a little distracted the past two months.  There have been certain things in my life I have been paying attention to and not to this blog. 

Welcome back!