This weird place I'm in should be a distant memory in a few short weeks. I want to remember it.
...I rode on the motorized scooter at Costco this weekend...
It was humiliating and I did not like it. I mean, it was a little fun to drive, but I mostly didn't like it.
This pregnancy was going great until around 24 weeks, which was when back pain and lots of Braxton Hicks contractions started...back pain continued and around 7 or so months in, crazy hip pain started happening at night when I'd try to sleep. The crazy hip pain would finally subside in the afternoon, then would come back every night.
Then crazy hip pain finally subsided around 8 months, (while back pain continued all throughout) ....then a little over 3 weeks ago, something happened and my lower back just peaced out- see ya! Since then, it's been excruciating lower back pain with every step I take. I hobble like the Old Hag in Snow White. I groan and grunt getting out of bed. And I also have intense nerve pain where baby's head is nestled. It feels like being stabbed with a knife on my insides and makes me scream into my pillow. I had that w/ Arthur too, but I never had the lower back pain and trouble walking like I'm having now, and the combo of both is just a lot of really intense pain, all the time.
I feel like a different person! The past 3 weeks, I can't go out alone with Arthur- can't lift him into a shopping cart, can't walk a single step without pain, let alone through a parking lot and/or store, library, gym, park... or any of our usual destinations!
Being in a lot of pain is interesting. I feel vulnerable (hobbling across the street while cars are waiting for me is the worst). I feel helpless, because I kind of am helpless. I'm embarrassed and I'm frustrated because I can't do what I want to do! It's hard not to feel like I'm being judged, or not to judge myself even! I sometimes feel like maybe I'm lazy, or I did something stupid or wrong this time around to end up like this. I mean, I walked fine the whole time I was pregnant with Arthur, so why can't I this time around? I don't understand.
My midwife and chiropractor, both of whom I see weekly now, have both advised that the only way to end this pain is to have the baby.
And my pain is for the most joyful reason- a new son that I prayed for and really want!! What about the elderly, or people with diseases and conditions that don't give much physical hope? Or people born with a disability who never had a chance to experience the independence I've enjoyed my whole life up til recently. It's not fair; and it's also not fair that many people pray for babies and don't get to have them. I'm thinking about these things a lot and I just hope to carry more compassion, grace and patience for people who hurt like this. I now know what it's like to feel like you're in the way in the world, hobbling across the street, grimacing as you try to move faster so the politely waiting drivers can proceed. Or walking alongside someone, trying to play it cool and keep up with their pace, knowing you will pay for it later.
So this weekend, it was time for our monthly Costco trip, and honestly I'm sick of being cooped up in the house, so I went, forced myself to swallow my pride and rode that scooter that you see old people riding. And gained a bit of new perspective.
(Fortunately we didn't see anyone we know.)
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