Thoughts on Marriage

I've had many thought on marriage over the past 4.5 months....

Without getting inappropriately personal, I will attempt to share some:

In marriage, you gain your very own Human. Almost like having a pet, you start to learn all the requirements and specifications of this Human, and the journey is learning how to take the best care of your Human, while enjoying all the benefits they have to offer and working with the requirements of their well-being. You begin to witness the most delightful, most secret, most serious, and the most interesting things that they do. It is really thrilling.


Marriage is sort of like the dance women do when we try to put on really tight jeans. First, you wiggle out to one side, hop up, then you wiggle over to the over... Etc. You really have to work with the jeans in order to eventually get the perfect fit...

2 month mark

FYI, my new email address is courtneywclark@gmail.com.  If anyone knows how to switch this blog over to that account, let me know...

And yes, today marks two months of marital bliss!!!!!

Something good happened yesterday.  I practiced my violin.  I had done that a few times lately, after a 1.5 month long hiatus over the wedding and honeymoon time.  You see, for me that is a long time of not playing.  And it was needed.  I started playing at age 9.  I am incredibly fortunate that my parents supported me taking violin lessons from 3rd grade, all the way through high school!!  I didn't realize then what a big deal that is.  I took them every week- Thursday nights- for all those years from a wonderful and passionate Romanian woman named Nora Smilovicci.  

All three of us Wilson girls started out in the Suzuki method, and gradually the other 2 lost interest (and eventually picked up other instruments and are both very gifted musicians!).  I always enjoyed the process of digging into a challenging piece, chewing on it, and eventually performing it at a level my teacher and I were both satisfied with.  It came naturally to me- not on a virtuosic level, but a level that gave the right amount of satisfaction.  

In 5th grade when public schools first offered band and orchestra, I was already ahead of all the others since I had already been playing for two years.  This trend continued in middle school...and in high school.  It was sort of uncomfortable, but OK that my orchestra teachers appreciated and favored me.  It was an honor to always be first chair, although I felt ackward with the attention it put on me.  I didn't like when the teachers would complain about the other kids to me.  In high school, I participated in N.C. Honors Orchestra, and made it to All-State orchestra- a collection of the most nerdy kids from North Carolina. 

When it came time to look at colleges, I decided I would like to teach orchestra one day.  I had had some weird (and also bad) experiences with public school music teachers, and thought I could save the world of music, or at least do my part by being cooler than the others.  I auditioned with this incredible piece at ASU and UNC Chapel Hill.  It was Concerto No. 9 in A Minor by Charles de Beriot, the 1st movement, and the coolest/hardest piece I had ever played.  I had been deferred from Chapel Hill before the audition, and afterward I never heard from them- I got a weird vibe from the music department anyway.  At ASU however, the faculty were much friendlier and I got a scholarship for violin. 

As soon as I moved into my dorm, I jumped into the world of the music school.  Music Education majors were required to practice 3 hours a day, 6 days a week.  I had weekly lessons with an amazing teacher.  It was refreshing to get a new perspective on violin.  The orchestra was fun to play in.  I hated that my new teacher required me to do tons of scale work and technique exercises- which are not nearly as fun as working on a new piece but are really so important.  My technique improved a lot and it was fun to have the skills to play pieces that I once thought were impossible.  I also tried teaching lessons for awhile, and taught a 9 year old boy how to play violin. 

Well, this life continued for 2 years.  I found that 3 hours of day of practice (which I never really did 6 days a week...), plus a full load of classes, conflicts with my social desires and needs!  Plus, with violin, you can never have long fingernails, and you develop a funny red mark on your neck from where the violin rests!  Who wants that on their wedding day?? My back also hurt from orchestra rehearsals.  Not to mention, the social environment of the music building did not fit my style at all.  In fact, I felt stifled and depressed there.  

In the 1st week of my junior year, I made a radical and sudden decision to change majors. I loved practicing, but really wanted to hang out with what I viewed as 'normal' people.  I also just wanted to try out something different than what I had been since I was 9.  I felt like I needed to burst out of a box I had put myself in.  And I was suddenly scared of teaching.  So I switched to Communication, and from that point felt like I really came alive!  I stayed in the Orchestra another semester just in case I wanted to switch back, but the freedom that came from getting out of that dark, isolated, old orange-walled music building was very liberating!  

Something wonderful that came from making this switch was that I began to improvise on the violin!  I had done that a little before, but without the burden and pressure of practicing assigned music every week, I was now free to just play whatever I felt like!  I started playing for worship times by myself or with others, and loved creating complimentary melodies and harmonies to fit into the music that other people were making.  It felt really good to NOT practice very much.  

I grew my nails.  I lost the red mark.  

However, I also lost my chops over time and saw my technical skills slowly decreasing.  But after making this switch, I couldn't go back!  I was now a free woman!!  It felt so good using that free time to see friends and do other stuff musically.  I played non-classical music for a change, and started playing more with friends in little shows and coffee shops.  These were the Ghengis, Jimmy Laura & Courtney, and Dabney times. 

In Wilmington I lived alone in the ghetto for a period of time.  I would walk around my house playing violin with the heavenly host and great cloud of witnesses.  It was warfare.  But my playing was still sparse.

When Stuart gave me an engagement ring, and finally on my wedding day, I had long(ish) beautiful nails and no red mark!!

From the fall of 2004 when I quit weekly violin lessons after 11 years, to fall of 2008 as a newly married woman of 2 months, I have changed and grown more than I can say.  Looking back on my high school self, I feel so different; I feel so free.   

Last week, I picked up the old instrument.  I tried some scales... things weren't too bad.  Yesterday, with no one home and all the doors and windows shut, after warming up I decided to jump into a meaty, technically very challenging piece- Praeludium and Allegro by Fritz Kreisler.  And I fell in love again with the raw, organic feeling of working through some nasty stuff to produce a lovely and gratifying sound.

I had to be removed from it.  I had to be purged.  Some mindsets I had from age 9 needed to not be associated with music anymore.  I needed to grow up.  

I think the Holy Spirit has been working on me- I've been through some really tough personal times where I had to choose either my self or the Lord.  He is better really.  Even though I think I'm smart and capable and can make decisions on my own...He is better.  I'm so thankful He pressed me up against my 'self'  and made me choose to let go.  And now I am free. 

Yesterday, I cut my nails again.

oh... you again? wonderful!

Oh, hello.

I've been a little distracted the past two months.  There have been certain things in my life I have been paying attention to and not to this blog. 

Welcome back!

2124 Chesterfield Ave.

After visiting this cute little duplex on Monday, and sending in our application Tuesday, the landlord called Stuart on Wednesday...his car was all packed but he wasn't sure where he was going. The landlord said we could move in that day! That evening we started moving in. Today we rented a uhaul truck, moved more stuff in and cleaned a lot. Tonight he is sleeping there!! These 2 days have been sooo wonderful and dreamlike. I mean- we have actually bickered a lot, but overall we have been insanely giddy and excited. Getting ready to be married to someone and doing lots of grown-up type things together provides opportunities to really see each others BAD sides!! And it's hilarious. And so fun.

We have a home!!!!! And I really can't wait to have our friends from Boone come hang out. Alicia was our first visitor. We had cups for drinks, but no chairs to sit in. haha.

14 days

Oh my gosh, I'm so ready to stop thinking about wedding planning...I was telling my mom how I probably think about all these detail things much more than I actually need to.  She said that probably every wedding-planning bride does.  It was sort of an epiphany for me when I realized it though.

Yes, today I finalized my plans with three of my biggest best friends/worst enemies:  the caterer, the florist, and the rental company.  Ahhhh!  (That's a victorious sigh of relief)  It is taking my mind some time to adjust to not thinking about them anymore after thinking so very many thoughts about them for sooo looong...

Tomorrow is my last real Saturday in Boone!!  That is sad-mainly because of the good friends that go along with Boone.  And because of those big beautiful mountains that have been faithfully watching over me the past few years.  Gosh, they sure have seen a lot.  Heck of a lot. 

17 days

Ever since getting engaged, I wondered what it would feel like a month before the wedding, or 2 weeks before the wedding, or a week before.  It still seemed like it would feel different being that close, but I mean... it's not that different. 

It feels like Stuart and I are much closer of friends.

It feels like the wedding is all I can think about now...

But I still feel like the same me in many ways.  I have grown and learned a lot since this time last year, but I'm still... me.  So, there's the answer to some of my questions from the past.  If anyone else has ever wondered that, now you know!  You don't turn into a princess or anything.  My body still isn't perfect(can you believe it?!), and I still get in bad moods.  My hair feels kind of dried out, I have a few zits, still get dark circles under my eyes.  Haha!  I guess that's a good thing!  If Stuart is still going to marry me when I have not yet reached a state of fairy-tale perfection then he must really like me.  And it is nice to be liked despite your imperfections.  It's fun to see that I love him more as I get to see his imperfections revealed.  To love an imperfect person and to be loved in your imperfections- that is perfectly lovely!

A secret...

Everyone in my family  is older than they look.

Some wouldn't want me to disclose this little fact.  

I was shopping for earrings to wear with my wedding dress, and the ladies in the store declared that I look too young to get married.  I told them I was 24.  They could have stopped there and been OK, but to my amusement, they continued in saying that I looked like I was 16 and Stephanie looked 12!  What?!?!

And my mom is just smiling all along, loving it.