And yes, today marks two months of marital bliss!!!!!
Something good happened yesterday. I practiced my violin. I had done that a few times lately, after a 1.5 month long hiatus over the wedding and honeymoon time. You see, for me that is a long time of not playing. And it was needed. I started playing at age 9. I am incredibly fortunate that my parents supported me taking violin lessons from 3rd grade, all the way through high school!! I didn't realize then what a big deal that is. I took them every week- Thursday nights- for all those years from a wonderful and passionate Romanian woman named Nora Smilovicci.
All three of us Wilson girls started out in the Suzuki method, and gradually the other 2 lost interest (and eventually picked up other instruments and are both very gifted musicians!). I always enjoyed the process of digging into a challenging piece, chewing on it, and eventually performing it at a level my teacher and I were both satisfied with. It came naturally to me- not on a virtuosic level, but a level that gave the right amount of satisfaction.
In 5th grade when public schools first offered band and orchestra, I was already ahead of all the others since I had already been playing for two years. This trend continued in middle school...and in high school. It was sort of uncomfortable, but OK that my orchestra teachers appreciated and favored me. It was an honor to always be first chair, although I felt ackward with the attention it put on me. I didn't like when the teachers would complain about the other kids to me. In high school, I participated in N.C. Honors Orchestra, and made it to All-State orchestra- a collection of the most nerdy kids from North Carolina.
When it came time to look at colleges, I decided I would like to teach orchestra one day. I had had some weird (and also bad) experiences with public school music teachers, and thought I could save the world of music, or at least do my part by being cooler than the others. I auditioned with this incredible piece at ASU and UNC Chapel Hill. It was Concerto No. 9 in A Minor by Charles de Beriot, the 1st movement, and the coolest/hardest piece I had ever played. I had been deferred from Chapel Hill before the audition, and afterward I never heard from them- I got a weird vibe from the music department anyway. At ASU however, the faculty were much friendlier and I got a scholarship for violin.
As soon as I moved into my dorm, I jumped into the world of the music school. Music Education majors were required to practice 3 hours a day, 6 days a week. I had weekly lessons with an amazing teacher. It was refreshing to get a new perspective on violin. The orchestra was fun to play in. I hated that my new teacher required me to do tons of scale work and technique exercises- which are not nearly as fun as working on a new piece but are really so important. My technique improved a lot and it was fun to have the skills to play pieces that I once thought were impossible. I also tried teaching lessons for awhile, and taught a 9 year old boy how to play violin.
Well, this life continued for 2 years. I found that 3 hours of day of practice (which I never really did 6 days a week...), plus a full load of classes, conflicts with my social desires and needs! Plus, with violin, you can never have long fingernails, and you develop a funny red mark on your neck from where the violin rests! Who wants that on their wedding day?? My back also hurt from orchestra rehearsals. Not to mention, the social environment of the music building did not fit my style at all. In fact, I felt stifled and depressed there.
In the 1st week of my junior year, I made a radical and sudden decision to change majors. I loved practicing, but really wanted to hang out with what I viewed as 'normal' people. I also just wanted to try out something different than what I had been since I was 9. I felt like I needed to burst out of a box I had put myself in. And I was suddenly scared of teaching. So I switched to Communication, and from that point felt like I really came alive! I stayed in the Orchestra another semester just in case I wanted to switch back, but the freedom that came from getting out of that dark, isolated, old orange-walled music building was very liberating!
Something wonderful that came from making this switch was that I began to improvise on the violin! I had done that a little before, but without the burden and pressure of practicing assigned music every week, I was now free to just play whatever I felt like! I started playing for worship times by myself or with others, and loved creating complimentary melodies and harmonies to fit into the music that other people were making. It felt really good to NOT practice very much.
I grew my nails. I lost the red mark.
However, I also lost my chops over time and saw my technical skills slowly decreasing. But after making this switch, I couldn't go back! I was now a free woman!! It felt so good using that free time to see friends and do other stuff musically. I played non-classical music for a change, and started playing more with friends in little shows and coffee shops. These were the Ghengis, Jimmy Laura & Courtney, and Dabney times.
In Wilmington I lived alone in the ghetto for a period of time. I would walk around my house playing violin with the heavenly host and great cloud of witnesses. It was warfare. But my playing was still sparse.
When Stuart gave me an engagement ring, and finally on my wedding day, I had long(ish) beautiful nails and no red mark!!
From the fall of 2004 when I quit weekly violin lessons after 11 years, to fall of 2008 as a newly married woman of 2 months, I have changed and grown more than I can say. Looking back on my high school self, I feel so different; I feel so free.
Last week, I picked up the old instrument. I tried some scales... things weren't too bad. Yesterday, with no one home and all the doors and windows shut, after warming up I decided to jump into a meaty, technically very challenging piece- Praeludium and Allegro by Fritz Kreisler. And I fell in love again with the raw, organic feeling of working through some nasty stuff to produce a lovely and gratifying sound.
I had to be removed from it. I had to be purged. Some mindsets I had from age 9 needed to not be associated with music anymore. I needed to grow up.
I think the Holy Spirit has been working on me- I've been through some really tough personal times where I had to choose either my self or the Lord. He is better really. Even though I think I'm smart and capable and can make decisions on my own...He is better. I'm so thankful He pressed me up against my 'self' and made me choose to let go. And now I am free.
Yesterday, I cut my nails again.
